The Butler Did It (A Bird in the Hand)
Episode 5 - July 1, 1982
Leslie Nielsen [Detective Frank Drebin]
Alan North [Captain Ed Hocken]
Rex Hamilton [Abraham Lincoln]
Ed Williams [Ted Olson]
William Duell [Johnny the snitch]
Peter Lupus [Norberg]
Robert Goulet [himself]
Tommy LaSorda [himself]
Nicolas Coster [Warner]
Lilibet Stern [Terri]
Byron Webster [Thames]
Ken Michelman [Kingsley]
Peter Elbling [the mime]
K Callan [Charlotte]
Script: Pat Proft
Director: Georg Stanford Brown
Transcribed by: Kenneth Kirkland
INTERIOR OF A MANSION DURING A PARTY
WARNER BURTON APPROACHES TERRI BURTON AND KINGSLEY ADDISON AS THEY DANCE.
BURTON: Kingsley! Mind if I dance with my daughter?
KINGLSEY: Of course not, Mr. Burton.
BURTON: You know, Terri, this song is awfully difficult to dance to. Let's get them to play something else.
BURTON LEADS TERRI TOWARD THE BANDSTAND.
BURTON: Fellows! Can you play something different?
THE SAXOPHONE PLAYER NODS AND THE BAND BEGINS PLAYING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" AND THE CROWD SINGS ALONG.
THE BUTLER THAMES ENTERS CARRYING A BIRTHDAY CAKE WITH LIT CANDLES. THAMES SETS THE CAKE ON A TABLE BESIDE A PUNCHBOWL.
BURTON: Make a wish!
TERRI TRIES TO BLOW OUT THE CANDLES. THE CANDLES STAY IN PLACE BUT THE REST OF THE CAKE IS BLOWN OFF OF THE TABLE.
MRS. BURTON: Cake everyone?!?
KINGSLEY: Terri? Can I talk to you in private.
TERRI: Of course. Uhh, let's go out in the Japanese garden.
EXTERIOR OF A GARDEN. SEVERAL ORIENTAL PEOPLE ARE STANDING IN LARGE PLANTERS.
TERRI: What is it, Kingsley?
KINGSLEY: I just wanted to ask you, have you made up your mind about marrying me yet?
TERRI: I need more time.
KINGSLEY: But you said you'd give me an answer by tonight.
TERRI: I'm not ready to give you an answer.
KINGSLEY TEARS A COLLAR TAB OFF OF A JAPANESE MAN IN ONE OF THE PLANTERS AND GIVES IT TO TERRI.
KINGSLEY: I love you, Terri.
TERRI SMELLS THE COLLAR TAB LIKE A FLOWER PETAL.
TERRI: And I love you, too, Kingsley.
A GLOVED HAND COMES OUT FROM BEHIND SOME PLANTS, GRABS TERRI AND BLACKJACKS KINGLEY. TERRI SCREAMS. KINGSLEY FALLS.
EXTERIOR NIGHT STREET SCENE
NIGHT SCENE OF DREBIN DRIVING WITH A CLOTHED MONKEY IN THE PASSENGER SEAT
DREBIN (voice over): My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad, a special division of the police department. There'd been a recent wave of murders at the city zoo. I was bringing in a suspect when I got a call from headquarters about the kidnapping of Terri Burton. I headed for the Burton mansion.
INTERIOR SCENE OF THE FOYER OF THE BURTON MANSION
THAMES OPENS THE FRONT DOOR
THAMES: Good evening.
DREBIN: Evening. (reading from a piece of paper) Is this 808 Darbon Niffers Road?
THE BUTLER TAKES THE PIECE OF PAPER, TURNS IT AROUND AND GIVES IT BACK TO DREBIN.
DREBIN: Maple Street?
THAMES: Yes, sir, it is.
DREBIN (showing his credentials) : I'm from Police Squad. I'd like to see Captain Hocken.
THAMES (reading from the credentials): Of course, uh, Lieutenant Flevler.
DREBIN TURNS HIS CREDENTIALS AROUND.
THAMES: Uh, Drebin. Do come in.
DREBIN WALKS IN AND THE BUTLER CLOSES THE DOOR.
INTERIOR SCENE OF HOCKEN QUESTIONING TWO WITNESSES.
HOCKEN: Her name is Terri Burton? Excuse me. Frank! I'm glad you're here!
HOCKEN CROSSES THE ROOM TO MEET DREBIN.
DREBIN: What have you got, Ed?
HOCKEN: Nothing so far. Nobody's seen or heard anything.
THE BAND FINISHES A SONG, THE DANCERS STOP AND BEGIN A POLITE APPLAUSE. DREBIN AND HOCKEN JOIN THE APPLAUSE.
DREBIN: Is there a ransom note?
HOCKEN IS HANDED A FRAMED WINDOW FROM OFF-CAMERA.
HOCKEN: Yes. The butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden.
HOCKEN AND DREBIN BEGIN CROSSING THE ROOM.
HOCKEN: I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding one million dollars.
DREBIN: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?
HOCKEN: The kidnappers made the demand, Frank.
DREBIN (nodding): Ohhh. If you don't mind, I'd like to see the scene of the abduction.
HOCKEN: Sure. Right here.
HOCKEN AND DREBIN CROSS TO A SMALL MOVIE PROJECTOR. HOCKEN TURNS ON THE PROJECTOR SHOWING A SHORT FILM OF THE ABDUCTION SCENE.
DREBIN: Who's the guy?
HOCKEN: Name's Kingsley Addison. Terri's boyfriend. I sent him home, Frank. He had a nasty bump on the head. Would you like to meet the parents of the kidnapped girl?
DREBIN: Of course.
HOCKEN AND DREBIN BEGIN CROSSING THE ROOM.
HOCKEN: Oh, Frank, the pate is exquisite.
DREBIN TAKES AN HORS D'OEUVRE FROM A WAITER.
INTERIOR SCENE OF A ROOM IN THE BURTON MANSION
HOCKEN: Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Burton, Lieutenant Drebin.
BURTON: Mr. Drebin.
DREBIN: The feeling is mutual.
HOCKEN: I know this is trying, but we've got to ask you a few questions.
BURTON: By all means.
A PHONE RINGS AND MRS. BURTON GETS UP TO ANSWER IT.
DREBIN: So tell me, did your daughter receive any threats on her safety recently?
BURTON: No, she didn't. This thing came as a total shock.
MRS. BURTON ANSWERS THE PHONE.
MRS. BURTON: Hello.
MRS. BURTON COVERS THE RECEIVER.
MRS. BURTON: It's the kidnappers!
MRS. BURTON (into the receiver): Please let me speak to my daughter!
DREBIN (whispering): Norberg! Get a tap on the phone.
NORBERG: Yes, sir.
MRS. BURTON: What should I do?
DREBIN: Keep the kidnapper on the phone so we can trace the call. Go ahead.
MRS. BURTON (into the receiver): Where is my daughter? Is she all right?
NORBERG CROSSES THE ROOM AND BEGINS DISMANTLING ANOTHER PHONE IN THE ROOM
MRS. BURTON (into the receiver): OK. I understand. No! No! Please! Don't hang up! Please don't hurt my daughter. I love her so much. Terri is safe, isn't she? No! No! Please! Don't hang up! OK. Is it cold where you are? It's warm here. Uhh, who do you think will win the NBA Pacific Division this year? Who do I think. Oh, I go with L.A. They need a little deeper bench, but they have a really strong, solid starting five. No! Wait! Oh! If a train leaves New York travelling 120 miles an hour and another train leaves Pittsburgh travelling 150 miles per hour, what train do you suppose will arrive in Chicago first? That's right! Wait! Why do ducks and geese fly south for the winter? Because it takes too long to walk! Hello? Hello? He hung up!
BURTON: It was a tough question.
DREBIN: Norberg? You get the tap on the phone?
NORBERG TURNS AROUND TO REVEAL A PHONE WITH A BRASS BEER TAP INSTALLED.
NORBERG: But the kidnapper wasn't on long enough to get a trace. Oh, and Mrs. Burton. What time did the first train leave?
MRS. BURTON SOBS.
DREBIN: Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.
HOCKEN: Mrs. Burton, what did he say?
MRS. BURTON: Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.
HOCKEN: No, the kidnapper.
MRS. BURTON: He said he'll call us soon with instructions for the money drop. If we don't do what he says, he'll kill Terri.
BURTON: Lt. Drebin, what do I do?
DREBIN: Well, as I understand it, you're in the textile business.
BURTON: I mean I don't want the police involved in this.
HOCKEN: Now we've all got to work together to capture this kidnapper.
BURTON: I'll pay whatever ransom is necessary to get Terri back.
DREBIN: No, that'd be giving in to them. These people are emotionally unstable. I had a case like this, similar. The kidnappers cut the victim's ear off and sent it to the family.
MRS. BURTON INHALES SHARPLY
HOCKEN: So, you see, you've got to let us help you.
DREBIN: Not the whole ear, of course. Just a piece of it.
MRS. BURTON SOBS.
HOCKEN: And, when this whole thing blows over, we'll return Terri's ear if she's still alive.
MRS. BURTON SOBS.
DREBIN (whispering to Hocken): She's taking it hard.
HOCKEN (whispering): Yeah. We'd better go, Frank.
HOCKEN (to the Burtons): We'll leave Officer Norberg here. If you need anything,just ask him.
DREBIN: We'll be in touch.
HOCKEN AND DREBIN TURN TO LEAVE.
HOCKEN (whispering to Norberg):After we're gone, I want you to nose around.
DREBIN: And keep an eye out for the ear.
NORBERG: Yes, sir.
NORBERG CROSSES TO THE BURTONS
Norberg: Don't you worry, Mrs. Burton. If Terri's ear comes, I'll handle it.
MRS. BURTON WAILS.
DAYTIME SCENE OF DREBIN DRIVING
DREBIN (voice over): The next day I decided to talk with the one witness to the kidnapping, Kingsley Addison. Kingsley played basketball every afternoon at the Shorewood High School playground. I'd talk to him there.
DAYTIME EXTERIOR OF A PLAYGROUND. DREBIN DRIVES UP AND KNOCKS OVER SEVERAL BICYCLES AS HE STOPS. DREBIN GETS OUT OF THE CAR. A PICKUP BASKETBALL GAME IS HAPPENING ON A COURT. A LOOSE BALL GOES TO DREBIN. HE HANDS THE BALL TO A YOUNG MAN.
DREBIN: Uhh, Kingsley Addison?
DREBIN: I'm Lieutenant Drebin, Police Squad.
ADDISON PASSES THE BALL AND JOGS BACK ONTO THE COURT AND CONTINUES THE GAME. DREBIN FOLLOWS.
ADDISON: What do you want?
DREBIN: I'd like to ask you a few questions.
ADDISON: About last night?
DREBIN: That's right. What happened?
ADDISON: I remember Terri was grabbed. Then I got hit.
DREBIN: Uh huh.
ADDISON: That's all I remember, honest.
DREBIN: Uh huh.
THE BALL IS PASSED TO DREBIN AND HE JOINS THE GAME.
DREBIN: I understand you and Terri were going to get married.
ADDISON: Yeah, I wanted to marry her. She, uh, just hadn't quite made up her mind, that's all.
THE BALL IS PASSED TO DREBIN AND HE DRIBBLES.
DREBIN: Well, it doesn't sound to me like you were very sure Terri was going to say yes.
DREBIN SHOOTS AND SCORES. THEY RUN TO THE OTHER END OF THE COURT TO PLAY DEFENSE.
DREBIN: Terri comes from a large amount of money. You think you make enough to keep her in the lifestyle she's accustomed to?
ADDISON: Of course. I have a job.
DREBIN: Well, I've done a little checking on that. You owe a lot of money to a lot of people. You need more than a job.
ADDISON: You think I'd marry Terri for her money?
DREBIN: I didn't say that.
DREBIN STEALS THE BALL AND LAYS IT UP AT THE OTHER END OF THE COURT. DREBIN HIGH FIVES HIS TEAMMATES.
DAYTIME SCENE OF DREBIN DRIVING
DREBIN (voice over): It was too early to dismiss Kingsley as a primary suspect. He needed money. An earlier check indicated he was often seen socially with Joel Cook and other members of the Freddie Siegel mob. By marrying Terri, he would come into a fortune, cementing his relationship with the elite and forever insuring a most luxurious lifestyle. I was en route to Police Squad when I got a call from dispatch. There was a new wrinkle. The kidnapper had contacted the Burton family with some additional information. When I arrived at the Burton mansion, Norberg and my boss were already on the scene.
INTERIOR SCENE OF THE BURTON MANSION. DREBIN ENTERS
HOCKEN: Frank, I'm glad to see you.
DREBIN: What have you got, Ed.
HOCKEN: I want you to give this a listen.
NORBERG: This came in the mail.
NORBERG TURNS ON A TAPE PLAYER.
TERRI (on the recording): Mommy! Daddy! Please do what he wants! Give him the money! I'm scared!
KIDNAPER (on the recording): That's enough. Further instructions on the size of the ransom and where to deliver it will follow.
NORBERG SWITCHES THE TAPE PLAYER OFF.
MRS. BURTON: Oh, my baby. My poor baby.
MRS. BURTON BEGINS TO SOB.
HOCKEN: Well, what do you think?
NORBERG: Seems to be a little too much wow and flutter from the right speaker.
You know, Frank. We don't even have the spot for the ransom drop yet.
A MIME TIED TO A ROCK CRASHES THROUGH THE WINDOW. THE MIME UNTIES HIMSELF AND BEGINS TO ACT IN PANTOMIME.
DREBIN: All right, buddy! Talk! Talk!!
THE MIME MOVES HIS LIPS.
HOCKEN: He can't, Frank. Can't you see he's a mime.
DREBIN: Huh? All right. What have you got?
THE MIME HOLDS UP FIVE FINGERS.
HOCKEN: It's charades, Frank.
NORBERG: Oh, great! What's the teams?
THE MIME CONTINUES WITH THE CHARADES.
HOCKEN: Five words.
THE MIME HOLDS UP A FINGER.
HOCKEN: First word.
NORBERG: Good captain.
DREBIN: You're, you're, you're, getting on something.
NORBERG: A shirt!
HOCKEN: A car.
MIME TUGS AT HIS EAR AND CUPS IMAGINARY BREASTS.
DREBIN: Woman! Woman!
HOCKEN: A bust. Sounds like bust. A bus!
DREBIN: A bus!
NORBERG: Of course.
MIME PRETENDS TO TURN AN IMAGINARY WTEERING WHEEL.
DREBIN: You're driving around in the bus. You're going around in the bus. You're looking . . . you're, you're, you're going somewhere.
DREBIN: You're, you're, you're in the bus and you're, you're, you're . . .
HOCKEN: Parking the bus.
NORBERG: It's a song title. The them from "A Summer Place".
DREBIN: You're, you're, you're driving around and you're looking for a place, in a, in a . . . BUS DEPOT!
MIME PRETENDS TO DRINK.
NORBERG: A protein shake. Thirsty!
MIME MOTIONS TO SHORTEN.
MIME LAYS HEAD ON IMAGINARY PILLOW.
DREBIN: You're tired. You're asleep. Nighttime. You're going to sleep.
MIME MAKES A MOTION WITH HIS HAND
DREBIN: You're hand is shaking. Alarm. The alarm is, you're waking up.
MIME MAKES BIRD FLYING MOTIONS WITH HIS HANDS.
NORBERG: In a hotel room. In a motel room. No, no. I've got it. In your aunt's house.
DREBIN: You're waking up in the morning. In the morning. Day!
HOCKEN: Thirst day.
HOCKEN: Thursday at the bus depot.
THE MIME HOLDS UP TEN FINGERS.
HOCKEN: At ten o'clock.
NORBERG: We win! We did it, Captain!
NORBERG HUGS HOCKEN.
HOCKEN: Not now, Norberg.
THE MIME WAVES, PRETENDS TO OPEN THE WINDOW AND STEPS OUT.
DREBIN: We better get our ears to the grindstone. We don't have too much time.
DREBIN, HOCKEN AND NORBERG TURN TO LEAVE.
ACT II - BALL III
DAYTIME EXTERIOR OUTSIDE OF A POLICE STATION.
DREBIN DRIVES UP IN HIS CAR AND PARKS. DREBIN GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND WALKS INTO THE POLICE STATION.v
DREBIN (voice over): The kidnappers finally contacted the Burtons with specific ransom instructions. Our only hope of finding Terri before the deadline was to get some clues from the physical evidence. I decided to return to Police Squad to see what the lab boys had turned up.
INTERIOR SCENE OF THE POLICE CRIME LAB
OLSON: So you see, Billy, this experiment will prove the earth's gravity exerts the same pulling force on any object no matter what size or weight.
OLSON: Let me show you what I've done.
OLSON LEADS BILLY TO AN EXPERIMENT SET-UP
OLSON: The bowling ball weighs ten pounds. Your next door neighbor, Dr. Maurice Schoenbaum, weighs one hundred seventy-five pounds. Are you ready, Dr. Schoenbaum? Now Billy, I'll set this timer to drop the bowling ball and Dr. Schoenbaum in one minute, so we can watch from a safe distance.
OLSON: Oh, hi, Frank. Why don't you run along now, Billy, and next week we'll discuss ten things you can do with a carrot.
BILLY: Great! Bye, Mr. Olson.
DREBIN: What did you come up with, Ted?
OLSON: I've been analyzing that voice tape of Terri Burton. I've managed to isolate her voice from the noises in the background. Listen.
OLSON TURNS ON A TAPE PLAYER.
DREBIN: What do you make of it?
OLSON: Of course, I can't be absolutely certain about this, but it sounds like a bell and a foghorn. The kind of sounds you'd associate with the ocean.
DREBIN: Or the lakefront.
OLSON: Could be.
INTERIOR SCENE. DREBIN CROSSES AND GETS ONTO AN ELEVATOR WITH HOCKEN AND A UNIFORMED OFFICER.
HOCKEN: How's it going, Frank?
DREBIN: Just came from the lab.
HOCKEN: They come up with anything?
DREBIN: No, nothing definite. Olson's come up with a couple of clues that might indicate where Terri Burton is being held. He's isolated the sound of a foghorn and a ringing buoy on the ransom tape.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. THE UNIFORMED OFFICER EXITS, AN OPERA SINGER ENTERS FROM AN OPERA HOUSE SCENE AND THE DOORS CLOSE.
DREBIN: We're going to have to scour the entire waterfront. What about your end.
HOCKEN: Well, Walter Burton is trying to raise the ransom money, but putting together a million dollars in small bills, that's a mean feat, Frank.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND THE SINGER EXITS ONTO A STAGE TO APPLAUSE FROM AN AUDIENCE.
HOCKEN: Let me tell you something else.
THE AUDIENCE THROWS ROSES TO THE SINGER, SOME OF WHICH LAND IN THE ELEVATOR.
HOCKEN: The hoodlums that trade in this kind of terror, really make my skin crawl.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE.
INTERIOR POLICE STATION SCENE OF A CRIMINAL HOLDING A PISTOL ON THREE UNIFORMED OFFICERS.
You think you're going to arrest me, don't you? Well you're not. 'Cause I've got the gun now. And I'm going to kill all of you, one by one.
DREBIN ENTERS BY ABRUPTLY THROWING THE DOOR OPEN, HITTING THE CRIMINAL WITH THE DOOR, AND THE UNIFORMED SUBDUE THE CRIMINAL. DREBIN OBLIVIOUSLY WALKS OVER TO A MAP. HOCKEN NOTICES THE CRIMINAL BEING SUBDUED.
HOCKEN: Nice work, Frank.
HOCKEN: I want you to throw a dragnet around the entire lakefront district. Call tactical. Have them send you a few more backup units.
AL: Right away, sir.
HOCKEN: By the way, Al, you're out of uniform, again. Regulation headgear, only. You know that.
AL REMOVES A SOMBRERO AND PUTS IT ON TOP OF THE EASEL HOLDING THE MAP.
HOCKEN: You know, Frank, the fate of Terri Burton rests on our finding a foghorn, a ringing buoy, and one scared girl.
EXTERIOR SCENE OF SEVERAL BIKINI-CLAD WOMEN PERFORMING CALISTHENICS
DREBIN (voice over): A police investigation involves meticulous attention to detail and tireless attention to every clue and the path to which it leads.
DREBIN WALKS AMONG THE WOMEN, TALKING TO SEVERAL OF THEM
DREBIN (voice over): The sound of a buoy or a foghorn on the ransom tape led me to the lakefront, where interviews with several locals proved unsuccessful. We were working against a deadline and with each passing minute, Terri's destiny became more precarious.
INTERIOR SCENE OF THE POLICE SQUAD ROOM. BURTON OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS.
DREBIN (voice over): I had arrived at Police Squad when Warner Burton arrived.
BURTON: Captain Hocken. Lt. Drebin.
HOCKEN: You raise the ransom money?
BURTON PLACES A SUITCASE ON THE TABLE.
BURTON: I have it right here.
BURTON OPENS THE SUITCASE.
BURTON: I'm getting nervous, Lieutenant. Time is running out for my little girl. I've got to know. Where is she? WHERE IS SHE!!
HOCKEN HANDS BURTON A HANDKERCHIEF.
DREBIN: Everything is fine, Mr. Burton.
DREBIN PULLS UP A CHAIR AND SEATS MR. BURTON.
DREBIN: Here. Sit down, sit down. Relax.
DREBIN OFFERS BURTON A CUP OF COFFEE.
BURTON: Yes, I know.
DREBIN: Well, now, Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area. If your daughter is close, we'll find her.
BURTON: Lakefront? My God! Do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack.
DREBIN: That's not true. I've seen a picture of her. She's very attractive.
HOCKEN: Maybe a little thin.
HOCKEN CLOSES THE SUITCASE.
HOCKEN: Don't you worry. We've got everything under control.
HOCKEN PICKS UP THE SUITCASE AND WALKS AWAY.
DREBIN: Mr. Burton, we have men working around the clock trying to locate your daughter.
EXTERIOR DAYTIME SCENE OF DREBIN DRIVING HOCKEN IN AN UNMARKED POLICE CAR.
DREBIN (voice over): One of Burton's fears was real: time was running out for Terri. Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.
EXTERIOR DAYTIME SCENE OF DREBIN DRIVING UP TO A GAS STATION. DREBIN AND HOCKEN GET OUT OF THE CAR.
DREBIN: Fill 'er up.
AN ATTENDANT BEGINS FILLING THE CAR'S TANK. ANOTHER ATTENDANT LOADS A SURF BOARD INTO THE BACK SEAT.
DREBIN: Hey, Ed. You hear that?
DREBIN: The ring.
HOCKEN: Oh, that's the gas station hose.
DREBIN: No, no. That sounds like the bell on Terri's tape.
HOCKEN: You mean we've been looking in the wrong place?
HOCKEN: Then what's the foghorn?
DREBIN: Don't think foghorn. You still got that tape that Norberg gave you for Christmas?
HOCKEN: Yeah, it's in the glove compartment.
HOCKEN OPENS THE CAR DOOR, GETS IN, OPENS THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT AND BEGINS REMOVING GLOVES UNTIL HE FINDS AN 8 TRACK TAPE. HOCKEN INSERTS THE TAPE INTO A DECK.
HOCKEN: That's not a foghorn. That's a tuba!
DREBIN: Right! Come on, Ed. We've got a job to do.
HOCKEN GETS OUT OF THE CAR, CLOSES THE DOOR AND WALKS WITH DREBIN.
DREBIN: We're going to have to check every tuba rental, sales and repair shop in town that's close to a filling station.
DREBIN ENTERS A PHONE BOOTH AND OPENS THE PHONE BOOK.
HOCKEN: That's going to be a mighty tall order, Frank. This city is the tuba capital of the world.
DREBIN: I know, Ed. It's the only chance we've got.
DREBIN TAKES THE PHONE BOOK AND TURNS TO LEAVE.
INTERIOR SCENE OF A POLICE STATION SQUAD ROOM. DREBIN IS SEATED AT HIS DESK, GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO HOCKEN.
DREBIN: Ed, you find anything?
HOCKEN: No. Nothing, Frank. We've been through hundreds of these. Acme Tuba, Tuba World, Tubas 'R' Us.
AL WALKS IN WEARING A TUBA CITY T-SHIRT.
AL: Can you take a phone call, Captain?
HOCKEN: Not now, Al. International House of Tubas, Tuba Or Not Tuba, Tuba Ligation. Ahh, we've come to a dead end, Frank. I thought sure we'd come up with something by now.
DREBIN: You're too hard on yourself, Ed. We've only got an hour to rescue Terri.
HOCKEN: You better check your sources, Frank. Find out what the word on the street is. Frankly, I think that's our only chance.
NIGHTTIME EXTERIOR SCENE OF A SHOE SHINE STAND. DREBIN APPROACHES AND TAKES A SEAT.
DREBIN: Johnny, I need some information and I need it fast.
JOHNNY: You mean about this kidnapped girl, Terri Burton?
DREBIN HANDS JOHNNY SOME MONEY.
DREBIN: What do you know about tuba stores located near gas stations?
JOHNNY: Nothing. But they just opened a new tuba club, and That's near a gas station.
DREBIN HANDS JOHNNY SOME MORE MONEY.
DREBIN: Where is it?
JOHNNY: It's called the El Tubadera Club. It's near Fifth and Nash.
DREBIN GETS UP AND LEAVES. BASEBALL MANAGER TOMMY LASORDA APPROACHES AND TAKES A SEAT.
LASORDA: It's my pitching, Johnny. Do you think I need another starter?
JOHNNY: How should I know?
LASORDA HANDS JOHNNY SOME MONEY.
JOHNNY: The rigors of a full season on a four-man rotation are just too demanding. You need a left-handed swing man to fill your long relief spots. Give him an occasional start and he'll round out your staff nicely.
LASORDA: You're talking about a guy like Gossage, aren't you, Johnny?
JOHNNY: Aww, come on, Tommy. Use your head. Gossage is right-handed, and besides, he can't throw more than two innings.
JOHNNY TAKES A SLIP OF PAPER FROM HIS POCKET.
JOHNNY: Here's the names of five southpaws with career ERA's under 2.93. And you wouldn't be in this mess if you hadn't given up Tommy John.
EXTERIOR DAYTIME STREET SCENE.
DREBIN DRIVES UP AND KNOCKS OVER TRASH CANS AS HE PARKS. DREBIN GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND CROSSES THE STREET TO THE EL TUBADERO CLUB. DREBIN SEES A MASKED HOODLUM LEADING TERRI BURTON OUT OF A BUILDING ACROSS THE STREET. DREBIN IS HANDED A BULLHORN FROM OFF-CAMERA.
DREBIN (through the bullhorn): This is the police. Put your gun down and surrender.
THE HOODLUM DRAWS A GUN AND FIRES. DREBIN DUCKS FOR COVER BEHIND A TRASH CAN, DRAWS HIS GUN AND FIRES. SEVERAL PEOPLE RUN DOWN THE STREET THROUGH THE CROSSFIRE. A MAN ON HORSEBACK SWINGS A WOMAN UP ONTO THE HORSE BEHIND HIM AND RIDES AWAY. ANOTHER CAR ARRIVES. ED HOCKEN GETS OUT AND TAKES COVER BESIDE DREBIN.
DREBIN: He's holding the girl hostage.
HOCKEN: I'm going over there and try to get behind him. Cover me!
DREBIN THROWS A BLANKET OVER HOCKEN. HOCKEN ENTERS THE EL TUBADERO CLUB. HOCKEN STAGGERS OUT OF THE CLUB, FALLS ON THE SIDEWALK, GETS BACK UP AND WALKS AWAY. HOCKEN STUMBLES ACROSS THE STREET AND FALLS AGAINST TWO TRASH CANS.
DREBIN (through the bullhorn): Come down with your hands up!
HOODLUM (through his own bullhorn): You'll never take me alive.
THE HOODLUM THROWS AWAY HIS BULLHORN AND GRABS TERRI BURTON.
DREBIN: Aww, you want to play it tough, huh? Well, two can play at that game.
DREBIN GRABS A WOMAN PASSERBY AND FIRES AT THE HOODLUM.
THE HOODLUM TRIES TO FIRE HIS GUN AND FINDS THAT IT IS EMPTY. HE ATTEMPTS TO RUN AWAY AND TRIPS OVER HOCKEN. DREBIN RUNS ACROSS THE STREET.
DREBIN: All right.
TERRI BURTON (to Hocken): Oh, thank you. Thank you. You saved my life.
BURTON HUGS HOCKEN.
HOCKEN: It's all right. It's all right now.
DREBIN REMOVES THE HAT AND MASK FROM THE HOODLUM REVEALING THE BURTON'S BUTLER.
TERRI BURTON: Thames! Why?
BUTLER: Because I needed the money.
HOCKEN: Frank. Black and white is here.
DREBIN LEADS BUTLER TO A ZEBRA WITH A RED LIGHT ON ITS HEAD.
INTERIOR SCENE OF THE SQUAD ROOM
HOCKEN (on telephone): Thank you, commissioner, but I can't take all of the credit. The entire Police Squad was in on this one. Right.
HOCKEN HANGS UP THE TELEPHONE.
HOCKEN: Well, Frank, it's been a good day. We got a confession out of old zoo-breath.
DREBIN: What? Oh, heh heh, good. I was just going over the arraignment report. It look like the butler Thames will be doing his serving from now on up in the Stateville prison.
HOCKEN: Along with Martin, Dutch Gunderson, Lana and Sally Decker.
HOCKEN SITS ON THE CORNER OF DREBIN'S DESK.
HOCKEN: Frank, when will people learn that crime doesn't pay.
DREBIN: Well, I suppose if they do learn, we'll be out of a job.
DREBIN SLAPS HOCKEN ON THE KNEE AND FREEZES.
A CHIMPANZEE IN THE BACKGROUND GETS FREE FROM TWO FROZEN OFFICERS AND TOSSES PAPERWORK IN THE AIR.